Culture Shock
by katiesgotagun
Summary: Thorin's company find themselves thrust into the technology filled world that we live in today. Travel with the company as they struggle to find a way back to their world, meeting a many obstacles along the way. Kili/OC . (Very AU-ish)
1. Need a Drink (1)

Emily O'Callahan sat on the back porch of the bar, smoking a cigarette and watching the cloud covered night sky. She leaned back in the rocking chair, kicking her feet up to rest on the railing of the porch. The dark air around her was filled with the creaking of the trees, the rustling of a summer breeze, and a symphony of cricket chirps.

The girl's hands were covered by fingerless leather gloves and each finger had a plain silver ring adorning it. Her long black hair was pulled into a messy braid and pushed back by an oil-stained red bandana. The ember of her burning cigarette gave her fair skin a reddish glow in the otherwise dark night. Emily wore a loose black tank top and dirtied jean shorts, still managing to feel overwhelmingly hot in the muggy summer weather. Rain was threatening to spill from the dark clouds looming overhead, and the faint boom of thunder drifted with the breeze.

The Iron Horse had closed at midnight; all of the customers either went home or crashed in one of the rentable rooms on the upper floor. The front door was locked, the dirtied floor was washed, the used glasses were cleaned, and the grimy tables were wiped by the weary twenty-four year old girl who sat smoking outside.

Suddenly, inside the bar, there was a loud crash and the sound of shattering glass. Working part time in a bar since she was twelve, Emily had been in her fair share of brawls and could carry her own against the drunks that tried to cop a feel. Raising from her perch on the rocking chair, Emily swiftly walked through the door into the bar, grabbing her 12 gage shotgun from the storage room, and preparing herself for a drunkard who'd broken in.

Turning the corner and flipping on the light switch, she saw a mass of people lying on the floor. Some were unconscious and some were raising from their prone positions. Emily's dark eyebrows raised comically as she listened to the moans escaping their mouths. One of the people who was standing up had long blonde hair and a strangely braided and equally long beard. He held out his hand to someone with long brow hair and a stubbly chin, who muttered something that she couldn't hear from her position at the doorway. Another man who wearily rose wore a grey tunic and placed a grey hat atop his head.

"OI!" She shouted, cocking the shot gun rather loudly and shooting at the floor to gain their attention. The group of people screamed, either waking up from their unconscious state or grabbing their ears from the loud noise. "The fuck are you doing?" Emily screamed as the group scrambled to their feet, pulling out swords- and to her amusement- a slingshot. A man with black hair and a long peppered beard pulled out his sword, turning towards her and charging. Thinking quickly, Emily cocked the gun and aimed at his head.

"I wouldn't move if I were you." She said calmly as she stepped forward, narrowing her eyes in anger. The man ignored her warning and continued charging at her. Emily feinted to the right as he swung his sword and she jammed the butt of the gun on the back of his head, effectively knocking him out. Angry battle cries were heard as the rest of the group charged towards the woman, who raised her eyebrows again and shot at their feet. Seeing the smoking hole in the ground, the men stopped and stared wide eyed at the girl holding the gun.

"NOBODY MOVES." She screamed, cocking the gun again and sweeping it over each person in the group. "Drop your weapons and put your hands behind your head." They complied reluctantly, the clang of metal and wood hitting the floor resonating through the large room.

"Emily, what's with the fucking noise?" a male whined from the top of the stairwell. As he reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to find the cause of the noise, his jaw dropped. He rubbed his eyes furiously with the heels of his hands before staring at the group again. "Am I still dreaming?" he asked himself, blinking rapidly.

"Charlie," Emily addressed the shocked man, "Wake up Dale."

"Who are-" he started to ask.

"GET. DALE." She shouted impatiently, keeping her eyes on the crowd of men. Charlie complied, holding up his hands and retreating up the steps. Now that she had time to observe them, she was thoroughly confused and slightly amused. They looked like they had just come from the Renaissance Fair: dressed in furs and leathers, some with long beards and equally long hair, and covered in dirt.

After a few moments of tense silence, an older man waddled down the rickety stairs and eyed the group with nonchalance.

"Howdy," he greeted with a wave of his hand before turning towards Emily. "Why're you shooting at them?" Dale asked, scratching his salt'n'peppered colored hair.

"This one," Emily started, nudging the unconscious man with her toe, "came at me with a sword, they just tried to attack me," she said, nudging her head in their direction, "and they broke in."

"Quiet, wench!" The one with long brown hair and stubble shouted. Upon hearing this, Dale scratched at his stubbled cheek and let out a tiny laugh.

"What did you just call me?" Emily ground out, pointing the gun directly at the man who said that.

"Wench!" he bravely retorted, puffing up his chest and leaning towards her to seem more intimidating.

"Charlie," she said sweetly, "could you please hold my gun for me?" Emily tossed the loaded gun in Charlie's direction. Dale poured himself a glass of alcohol from the bar and took a large sip, watching Emily fume as she cracked her knuckles. Charlie sat down heavily on a barstool right next to one of the intruders.

"That probably wasn't a smart thing for him to say." Charlie sighed, running a hand through his already disheveled blond hair.

"C'mere, short-stuff, and I'll show you what this 'wench' can do." Emily taunted, stepping towards the man and cracking her neck, her face screaming danger.

"Emily," Dale sighed, causing her to halt her steps. "Settle down, now." The group of men turned to watch her reaction to Dale's calm demand.

"He called me a wench," Emily spat, turning her glare upon the older man.

"And you knocked out their friend." Dale calmly retorted.

"They broke in!" She exclaimed while throwing an accusing finger in their general direction. "What else was I supposed to do, serve 'em a drink?"

"Actually," Dale started, tapping a finger on his chin and looking at the bar, "That's a great idea." The company watched with guarded eyes, though one man watched with amusement in his twinkling blue eyes.

"If I may," the elderly man with a grey hat interjected, stepping from behind the crowd and leaning on his walking stick, "it has been too long, Master Dale."

"You know him?" Emily and the brown haired man both shouted towards their respective friend.

"I do. As a matter of fact, you do too." Dale started, smiling towards the old man. They embraced as old friends, causing Emily's jaw to drop and the company to stare in shock at their companion. The old man took off his hat, showing Emily his face.

"Oh my God," She let out in a breath, "Gandalf? Wizard Gandalf? Like, Lord of the Rings Gandalf?" Gandalf nodded in her direction, causing Emily to collapse in the nearest chair. Emily rubbed the bridge of her nose, mumbling, "I need a drink."

* * *

**Reviews are always welcomed!**

**-Kate**


	2. Fire in the Hole (2)

Emily poured herself a generous amount of rum into a large glass, taking steady sips to try and ease her headache. After an hour of explaining to them how electricity worked (and not to touch any of the outlets) and learning their names, the strange men (thirteen dwarves and a hobbit, apparently) were resting in the available rooms on the top floor of the bar.

"What are you doing?" Charlie asked, smiling as Emily finished the liquid. The back of her hand ran across her lips, wiping off the left over alcohol.

"What does it fucking look like?" She mumbled, letting her head fall to the counter. Not only had these men broke in, but now her friend was saying that they were from an alternate universe. Apparently, they were from J.R.R. Tolkien's book The Hobbit.

"Emily, do come here for a moment." Dale requested from the table he and Gandalf sat at.

Raising her now throbbing head from the countertop, Emily meandered to the table, twisting on of the chairs around to straddle the back. She crossed her arms over the back of the chair and stared at Gandalf, intrigued. "What's up, oh keeper of secrets?" Emily asked sarcastically with only a glance at Dale.

"Now, now, Emily, no need to get feisty," Dale chuckled before taking a sip of his water. "I'm sure you're overwhelmed," Emily snorted , "but Thorin and his company will stay here for a few weeks until Gandalf and I figure out a way to send them back to Middle Earth."

Emily sighed, letting her head drop against the her arms, thinking for a few moments. She groaned as she lifted her head, breathing out a reluctant agreement before walking up the stairs. Dale and Gandalf both chuckled as they heard her door slam shut.

"She'll fit right in." Gandalf spoke in his gravelly voice.

Emily groaned as she woke up, pulling her surplus of blankets around her bare body. Her head pounded with a headache from the surplus of alcohol she'd consumed the night before. The sun filtered through her shuttered window; the blinds danced with a warm summer breeze. After a few minutes of laying in her bed, Emily smelt something burning wafting form the kitchen downstairs.

Emily shot up from bed, scrambling to throw on an oversized shirt that reached her thighs and a pair of underwear before shooting out of her room and down the steps into the kitchen. As she raced into the kitchen, she saw Charlie and three other men (dwarves, she reminded herself) scrambling around, trying to put out the burning kitchen curtains.

"Idiot!" Emily shouted, grabbing a fire extinguisher and spraying the curtains with the white foamy substance. "What did I tell you about trying to cook?" Emily ground out, glaring pointedly at Charlie, who was rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"We were hungry," he tried to explain, looking to the three dwarves for back up. The three dwarves whistled while trying to inconspicuously walk away.

"Incompetent little," Emily grumbled, grabbing the burnt pan from Charlie's hands. "This is why we can't have nice things!" She complained, whacking him on the head with the pan. Charlie stumbled forward a bit before gripping his head. "How many times have I told you that you aren't allowed to touch anything in the kitchen? Do you want a repeat of last year?"

Charlie hung his head in shame. "No," Charlie sighed, pouting.

"Okay," Emily said, turning to the dwarves. "What do you guys want for breakfast?" They stared at her dumbfounded, wondering how she went from mean to nice in a matter of seconds. She started to put her hair up into a quick bun as she responded. "Okay, I'll just make a bunch of stuff and you can take what you want. Go on and sit down."

The dwarves sat down at the tables in the bar, waiting for food. Within ten minutes, Emily had cooked up a large amount of eggs, toast, bacon and sausages. As she cooked, more and more of the dwarves meandered down the steps and gladly ate what Emily prepared.

"Em," Charlie said as he walked up to her. Emily hummed in response, cooking more eggs in a large pan. "You might want to put pants on." Emily looked up from the eggs to stare at Charlie with a blank expression. "You forgot you didn't have pants on, am I right?" Charlie chuckled as Emily's cheeks reddened with a blush.

"Shut up," she grumbled while plating the cooked eggs. Emily thrust the plate into Charlie's hands and she quickly exited the kitchen, running upstairs to change.

"Emily," Dale called from outside of her room.

"In here!" Emily called from her room. She was wrapped in a towel from a quick shower she had taken. She opened the door to her room, running a brush through her long hair. "Have you seen my-" her sentence stopped when Emily saw that the man she had knocked out was standing beside Dale and Gandalf, looking a mixture of mortified and angry.

"I'm, uh," Emily stuttered before clearing her throat, "gonna get dressed." Emily slammed the door and quickly changing into loose basketball shorts and a black tank top. When Emily opened the door next, she was changed and she was braiding her long black hair.

"Sorry about that," Emily said bashfully as she tied the bottom of her braid with a scrunchy. "What did you need?"

"This is Thorin Oakenshield, the leader of the company." Thorin nodded to Emily, who returned it with a smile.

"Sorry about knocking you out," Emily apologized, rocking back on her heels as she stared at the floor. Thorin merely nodded at her, acknowledging her apology.

"I must inform you of the customs of Middle Earth, Lady Emily." Gandalf said stoically. "In Middle Earth, ladies wear modest clothing. Almost all skin is clothed at all times. Any other attire is reserved for the already wedded or for, excuse the term, wenches." Emily grimaced as she realized what she was wearing at breakfast, and also the night before.

"My apologies if I offended you in any way, but it's common for women here to show skin." Emily said while looking down at her bare legs.

"It is no trouble, my dear. Unfortunately, young Kili did not realize that we were, in fact, not at home. It is rare to see someone so underdressed in Middle Earth." Gandalf chuckled with a knowing gleam in his eyes.

"Well," Emily exclaimed, clapping her hands together awkwardly to dispel the tension in the room. "Glad that's out of the air. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself some breakfast." Emily walked away from the group and walked down the stairs to the kitchen, where the company was still eating the breakfast she made.

Emily grabbed a bowl from the cupboard in the kitchen, milk from the refrigerator and cereal from a cabinet. She poured herself some cereal and sat on the counter, eating the crunchy grains slowly. The echoes of the jolly company were the only sounds in the bar besides her loud chewing. It was going to take a lot of time for her to get used to this.

* * *

**Reviews are lovely**

**-Kate**


	3. Reaching an Impasse (3)

**Sorry its kind of short!**

**-Kate**

Emily dragged the rag across the smooth counter of the bar, soaking up any spilt alcohol from the very raucous dwarves that had taken refuge in her home. She hummed tunelessly to herself, not paying attention to anyone or anything in particular as her mind drifted off.  
The dwarves had eaten everything that had been stocked in the kitchen before they'd arrived, and Emily had had to go to the store three times in just two days. The dwarves were eating her out of house and home! The company, minus Gandalf, was in the basement of the bar, where it was cooler than the upper floors and quite private from the overbearing electricity filled world they were stuck in.  
Shuffling sounded from the stairs as two sets of footsteps echo through the bar. Emily continued to wash the countertop, off in her own little world. A cough caught her attention, making her look up from the countertop to see the two brothers Fili and Kili standing side by side. Kili was fidgeting, causing Fili to elbow him in the side. Emily only raised her eyebrows as she watched them with a confused expression.  
"Can I help you?" Emily asked dryly as she leant against the bar, keeping her eyes on the nicer of the brothers.  
"Kili, here, has something to say to you," Fili said with a smile and another jab in Kili's side, causing his brother to wince and roll his eyes.  
"I'm sorry for disrespecting you," Kili said exasperatedly as he rubbed his now bruised rib.  
Emily blinked owlishly as she glanced between Fili and Kili. Fili met her gaze with a smile, and Kili tried to smile back when Fili elbowed him again, though it came out as more of a grimace.  
"S'alright," Emily sighed as she pulled out two glasses, filling them with beer and sliding them to the boys.  
"Thank you, Lady Emily." Fili bowed in respect, forcing Kili to do the same before sitting down and drinking from the frosty mug. Kili mumbled something similar, though his pout made it difficult for her to understand.  
"Don't mention it." Emily responded, wiping down the countertop once more. She hummed to herself as the brothers drank their ale, savoring the cool feel of the glass against their rough fingertips. "Have Gandalf and Dale decided how to get you guys back yet?"  
"Unfortunately, they have not." Fili sighed as he swallowed the last dregs of his ale.  
"I take it you guys want to get back to your quest, huh?" Emily poured herself a glass of water, taking a grateful sip; the summer heat was overwhelming her.  
"Of course," Kili said haughtily as he drank from the glass.  
"They're working their hardest to get you home." Emily said as she quickly braided her hair into a four piece braid.  
"I have never seen that type of plait before," Fili said while pointing a finger at Emily's braid. "Have you, Kili?  
"Not in Middle Earth, no," Kili mumbled as his finger traced the rim of the cool glass.  
"It's not hard." Emily said, undoing the braid and getting closer to the boys so she could show them how to make the braid. Fili watched with interest, and Kili watched from up the corner of his eyes, still not able to look directly at her.  
"That is actually quite simple, I'm surprised us dwarves have yet to make that braid yet." Fili said as he mentally memorized the pattern for the braid.  
Emily smiled as she wrapped a hair tie around the bottom of the braid, swinging it around her shoulders and onto her back. She wiped her forehead with the back of her head and sighed.  
"Does it get this hot for you guys back home?" Emily asked curiously.  
"Depending on where you are in Middle Earth, yes." Fili responded as he pushed the glass away from him. Emily snagged it and rinsed it with water before placing a few ice cubes in it and filling it with chilled water. She slid the cup back into the waiting hands and then grabbed the glass from Kili, who looked up because of the lack of cup in his hands. Emily repeated the same process for him, accepting the nod he gave her as his thanks for the refreshment for the scalding summer day.  
"So dwarves," she began with a devious smile on her face. "Do your people shrink with age?"  
"Aye," Fili responded.  
"That's why you two are the tallest, right?"  
"We are the youngest, yes." Fili nodded.  
"And the beards?"  
"They are customary in our land, even for the women dwarves." He answered.  
"Really?" Emily asked with a cocked eyebrow. It was hard to imagine women having beards. Well, other than the bearded lady she saw at the circus when she was ten. "Then how come you don't have one, Kili?"  
"I am an archer," Kili responded grudgingly with a sip of his water. "The beard would only get in the way of my accuracy."  
"Ah, I get it," Emily said with a smile. "You couldn't 'kiss the arrow', right?"  
"Precisely," Kili nodded at her before staring around the room in random places.  
"It must be a bit of a shock," Emily said with a thoughtful smile. "Waking up in a world where things are run by electricity and people are so different."  
The brothers shared a look before nodding and agreeing verbally in unison. Emily chuckled as she sipped from the glass.  
"Lady Emily," Fili began. "How does that rain device in the latrine work?" At this question, Kili sat straighter and listened more closely to the conversation.  
"Oh boy," Emily sighed as she walked around the counter and towards the stairs. "It's better if I just show you."  
The two brothers shared a look before following after Emily towards the apartment floor of the bar, both eager to learn of the contraption called a 'shower'.


	4. Revenge

**Sorry this took so long! I've been swamped with work and couldn't really get around to finishing the chapter. Enjoy!**

**-Kate**

* * *

"So Lady Emily," Fili asked as Emily cut up fresh fruit to make smoothies for both of the brothers. "What exactly are you using that metal contraption for?"

"It's called a blender." Emily said with a smile as she placed the freshly cut strawberries into the glass container. "Do guys want to help?"

"Of course!" They agreed, standing next to her at the kitchen counter. "How do we do this?" Kili asked as Emily passed bananas to both of the boys.

"Peel them and cut them up, okay?" Emily said as he peeled her own banana.

"Like this?" Fili asked as he took his sword and slammed it down on the table. It sliced clear through the banana, peel and all. Emily blinked owlishly at the sword before bending over with laughter.

"Not quite," Emily chortled as she grabbed a small butter knife from the silverware drawer and handing it to the boy. "Try using this instead."

"Oh," Fili said as he stared at the banana.

"Like this, Fee," Kili said proudly as he sliced the unpeeled banana into tiny pieces.

"That's not right, either," Emily chuckled as she demonstrated peeling the banana and slicing it into small bits. She placed the diced banana pieces into the blender, turning back to the boys with a raised brow. "Think you can handle that?"

They both scoffed, grabbing their own bananas and attempting to peel them. Kili grabbed the middle of the banana too hard, making the banana pop and ooze while Fili had grabbed both ends and broken the banana in the middle.

Emily blinked slowly, staring at the bananas and sighing at the boy's incompetence. "How about you guys go watch TV while I make the smoothies."

"What is a teevee?" Fili asked, his head cocking to the side like a dog's would.

"Oh boy," Emily hung her head and let out a huge breath. "This is gonna be a bit of a culture shock, boys."

"We are prepared, Lady Emily." They chorused.

Emily led them upstairs to her room, where she had a large TV set up. She motioned for them to sit on the bed before grabbing the remote and turning it on.

"What sorcery is this?" Kili asked, getting up to poke the screen. Emily snatched his finger away from the screen, scowling slightly.

"Would you guys like to watch something action-y, romantic, or funny?"

"A comedy would be nice," Fili mused, easing off his shoes as he sat on Emily's bed.

"Alrighty then," Emily agreed, changing the channels to the specific show that was always on; Jackass. "You guys stay up here and watch this while I make the smoothies. I'll bring them up when they're done and we can all watch together."

"Sounds like a good plan," Kili nodded to Fili, who agreed with his brother.

"Okaly dokaly, I'll be back in ten minutes." Emily went back downstairs and finished making the smoothies. Grabbing the cool glasses, Emily walked up to her room, opening the door with her foot and praying that her room wouldn't be a mess.

"Lady Emily! These men are quite funny!" Fili choked out through laughter.

"I know." She smiled, handing the boys their respective glasses with bendy straws. "Tell me what you think."

"I did to think it would be so thick," Kili confessed after making a noise of surprise.

"This is a regular drink among your people, yes?" Fili asked after he had sucked down half of the contents.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't drink it so fast." Emily chided as Fili continued drinking the beverage.

"Ah!" He cried, opening his mouth and wincing.

"Put your thumb on the roof of your mouth, it helps." Emily chuckled, rubbing Fili's back soothingly.

"What happened?" Kili asked, looking down at his own glass, worried that the same thing would happen to him.

"He got brain freeze."

"What? Brain freeze? Fili! Don't die!" Kili shot up from his seat, shaking his brother by his shoulders frantically. Emily grabbed one of the pillows from off her bed and smacked Kili in the gut with it, making him release his brother and take a few steps back.

"It's a figure of speech, Kili," Emily cried. "You're brother is fine."

"I'm alright, Kee," Fili said as he took his thumb out of his mouth. "Just a small discomfort, is all."

"My apologies, Lady Emily." Kili bowed apologetically, sitting back down on the bed to watch the television.

"I see why they call it brain freeze," Fili said to Emily. "It feels as if your head is made of ice."

"I'm sorry you had to experience that."

"It is quite alright, Lady Emily, I am a warrior. I can handle more pain than that."

"Why does the man from the Ville of Knox willingly expose himself to such harmful environments?" Kili asked, looking from the screen to Emily.

"For money, I guess." Emily shrugged, laying back on the bed and relaxing to the boy's laughter on either side of her.

"We should do some of these jests!" Kili proposed, turning his body to face his brother to gauge his reaction.

"That sounds like fun!" Fili agreed, both of them turning to Emily as if asking permission.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world." Emily smiled, standing and leading the boys towards the kitchen to get flower so that they could 'antique' their dwarves friends.

* * *

"Did you see Bombur's face!" Fili chortled, bent over in laughter as he recalled his friend's look of utter defeat.

"He'll have flour in his beard for weeks!" Kili laughed alongside his brother, slapping his knee at the humor of the prank. They had both grabbed a handful of flour, and threw the flour onto a sleeping Bombur's face. Emily couldn't hold the camera steady as she shook with laughter throughout the entire prank.

"Did you guys watch the prank call 'rocky'?" Emily asked as she regained her breath from laughing.

"Was that the one with the old man?" Kili asked as he leaned agains the wall in Emily's room.

"Or the one with the commode?" Fili asked, sprawled on her bed with his boots off.

"No, no," Emily shook her head. "It was the one with the glove and the water." Emily searched through her closet, tossing random items aside as she looked for the boxing glove that Charlie had gotten her as a gag gift. Pulling the red glove out, Emily smirked mischievously at the boys before racing down the stairs to the kitchen, the boys following in her wake.

"Who should prank?" Fili asked as Emily filled a plastic cup with water from the sink.

"Charlie." Emily said with finality. "I've been dying to get some payback for his 'accidental' disposal of all of my comics."

"Sounds like a plan." Kili agreed. "Where is he?"

"He should be working out right about now," Emily mused, walking around the bar and opening a hatch to the basement. She turned around and motioned for the boys to be quiet before cautiously making her way down the stairs. Charlie was standing with his back to the stairs, throwing punches at a hanging bag of sand. Emily motioned for Fili to hold up the phone's camera and she hit the button to start the video. She walked behind Charlie and waited for a second before tossing the cup of water at one side of his face. As he was reacting to the water being splashed on his face, Emily raised her other hand to punch him on the other side of his face.

"EMILY!" Charlie screamed, a hand going up to rub his face as the other turned to blindly smack behind him.

"Go!" Emily shrieked as she ran up the stairs, Fili and Kili quickly following her lead. She ran all the way to the room, waiting for both of the boys to get in before slamming the door shut and locking it. She leaned against it as Charlie banged his fists against the door, screaming profanity at his friend. Emily cackled with Fili and Kili long after Charlie had left, grumbling about payback.


End file.
